Fifty Shades of Bubba: Christmas at The Sex Addiction Clinic of Misfit Celebrities.

Bill Clinton looked at Garrison Keillor. “What are you doing here, farmboy? The last time you had a dirty thought, you wrote a book about it. Matt Lauer’s trying to get back at the jocks in his high school – and Harvey at the cheerleaders in his, right? You guys aren’t predators. You’re just parasites.”Illustration by: DonkeyHotey

A Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Willie story

December 19, 2017

“Fuckin’ Bill Cosby,” Harvey Weinstein said. He said it in my dream, to be fair. But if you can’t trust your dream, you’re having a nightmare – and therefore it’s good odds you’re awake, anyway.

Matt Lauer agreed, in any case: “Fuckin’ Bill Cosby.”

“Well that hardly seems fair.” Garrison Keillor said that, and if you think he’s just here for comic relief – he’s not laughing.

“No,” said Charlie Rose, doing his best to fit in, a practice he may well master in the next five or six hundred years. “They’re right. This all started with him. Fucking. Bill. Cosby.”

“What do you know anyway, Keillor?” Weinstein demanded. “What the hell are you even in here for? You accidentally touched a fat cow’s blubber and didn’t wash your hands afterward?”

Keillor said nothing. The man was born into retirement.

“What kind of name is Garrison, anyway? Is your brother named Stockade? Your sister’s called Embargo? Did your dad think he could make a man of you by giving you a manly name?”

Still nothing. Start wilted, stay wilted.

“And what about you, Charlie Rose? Did you think prancing around like a homo in front of women means you’re not a fag?”

“Now that’s just not fair. No one has ever called my sexuality into question.”

Matt Lauer did nothing to hide his snort.

“Oh, shut up, pusswad. You’re not a predator. You’re a congenital fratboy on too long of a leash.”

And believe it or not, this was my show. In the dream, that is. For some reason, I was leading a therapy group at The Sex Addiction Clinic of Misfit Celebrities in breathtaking Scottsdale, Arizona. The name was right there on the wall, along with the clinic’s slogan: “You kissed. She told. Now what?”

My task, (more…)

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How I got thrown out of Walmart at Christmas for unauthorized salesmanship.

“My name is Loco Willie and I am loco for frisky dogs, precocious children, classy broads and cheap, red guitars.”

A Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Willie story

Friday, December 1, 2017

“Don’t you know any other songs?” The kid we’re going to call Stingray asked me that. Tank top and cargo shorts in December, but, hey, it’s Phoenix. And he’s Stingray because we all know how he gets his scrawny ass to Walmart after school.

“You kiddin’?” said another kid, shorter and way too heavy for his age. He was in shorts, too, but Charter School uniform khakis. How do I know it’s a Charter and not a Catholic School? His corresponding polo shirt was a bright, warm red, not navy blue or forest green – and it was new this school year, not hand-me-down worn. “I’ve been standing here for ten minutes and he hasn’t played the same thing twice.”

I looked up from the guitar I was playing and spoke to Josh, who had come along for the ride. “Who’s right?”

He’s a good-looking boy, just eighteen and nine whole beard hairs to prove it. Black Irish – tall, fit and dark – and he is most definitely not my young friend Tegan’s boyfriend – which argues to me that he could use my good influence: She’s going to be a fine woman, but she’s a tough pasture to plow. He said, “Beats me. It does sound sort of the same from time to time, and yet every song is different.”

I looked to Stingray. “Tell him.”

He shrugged. “It’s just one-four-five with sevenths.” Thunk. Try again. “The twelve-bar blues?” Thunk.

I had been playing this whole time and before – mainly charging, choppy stuff – but I picked out a bluesy little turnaround as a tiny piece of musical history.

“No,” said Charter School, “every song has been different.”

“It’s just rock ’n’ roll, dude. Same song, a million different ways to play it.”

I smiled. I spoke to Josh, including the boys but ranking Josh above them. “It’s not even a song, just a chord progression. It’s ninety percent or more of all pop music, and it’s just (more…)

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#Bitcoin is an excellent joke. It will be hilarious right up until it’s catastrophic.

Since absolutely everyone publicly associated with Bitcoin is such a sleazy gonoph, how could it possibly be a scam?Photo by: Steve Garfield

This started as a private conversation, but I’m taking pieces of my part of it public, because it’s of general interest. Our topic:

What do I have against crypto-currencies?

Start here:

I’ll be dead before this plays out, I expect, but I think crypto-currency is essentially latifundial in its objectives. Wealth is stuff people want and the means to obtain more of it, fixed and intellectual capital. Crypto scales our current state of securitization, putting punters at an even further remove from real values, even as the would-be Dukes of the new latifundia lay in for a world without trade, where not even gold-in-hand can proxy for wealth. It’s the Bell Boys coming to Wall Street, and it will be funny right up until it’s catastrophic.

We batted thing around a little, and I circled back here:

Plausibly I’m not being fair. I have no invested wealth, and my interest in Bitcoin is strictly as more of the daily comedy that is news. And, obviously, I could be madly wrong: I’ve been mocking Bitcoin from three digits to five.

Latifundia means large farms in Latin. It’s how the equestrian classes planned for and survived the fall of Rome. These became the political entities of the Dark Ages – tiny fiefdoms controlled by one man but farmed and defended by dozens or hundreds. As with TV stations today in tiny countries, the source of political power was the granary in the castle: The Duke defends everyone’s food, but rebels starve.

My take is that the modern-day equestrian classes are preparing their own modern latifundia, converting their securities to real wealth, using securities bubbles to gull the marks. Bitcoin is just part of that, target-marketed at the lesswrong.com kind of intellectualoid who cannot conceive that he could ever be in error. The perfect con is the one the mark begs to get in on.

As for how to invest, I think every kind of after-market securities investing is rent-seeking – demanding compensation for no added-value – (more…)

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If you are in despair at the end of #NaNoWriMo, consider writing my way.

“Yeah, but what does the divan look like?”Illustration by: Lewis Minor

We are nearing the end of yet another “National Novel Writing Month,” which suggests to me that a few people will have accomplished something and a lot of people will have added yet another disappointment to their catalogs of regret.

I have no informed opinions about #NaNoWriMo, this because there is only one reason to write fiction, and it ain’t competition. But I hate the idea of people making art their enemy by waging a campaign on it. If you are in deep despair because you’ve piled up a lot of words – or wish you had – but made no art, why not try a different way to get the job done?

Art matters? If all you care about is milking fools by tickling their vices, you can stop now. You’re going to hate me, and I sincerely wish you and everyone who thinks that way would find something positive to do with your time, instead. Art is leadership, and so-called art that leads people to worse choices, worse behavior, worse fates – that’s not art, that’s evil. Get help – but first stop hurting people.

But does the novel matter? Why would it? The novel was visualization porn for people with limited vistas, so, alas, your detailed description of that paisley-upholstered divan was obviated by lithography even before photography. That would be two hundred years ago. People know what paisley looks like – and know not to care, since all divans are upholstered in something – so your padded word count can shrink by a lot.

Still worse, the novel was and is rebellion porn, mutiny porn, titillating the reader in precisely those ways he would would rather not disclose to whomever he looks to for approval. That’s anti-leadership, as above, but each new book also becomes another brick in the wall separating the reader from the actual objects of his fantasized mutiny. The novel becomes his reason not to repair his storgic relationships.

So that means what? Your stories are almost certainly aimed the wrong way, if you want (more…)

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How to get the hell out of Hades: If you’ve got an hour and a dollar, Dusty will change your life.

What can a dumbass dog teach you about hope and love? Not much. Just the parts you’ve been getting wrong…

Brother Willie wrote a brand new Kindle book for Thanksgiving: Dusty: An elegy of hope and love.

It’s not a long book: Willie never tells you more than you need to know. But it’s a fun and twisted little Christmas yarn, how to get the hell out of Hades and rebirth humanity in Phoenix, where it belongs.

Here’s the promotional copy from Amazon.com:

Poetry is leadership.
Leadership is love.
Love is family.
Family is hope.
And hope is poetry.

So says itinerant raconteur Willie O’Connell – though he’s now more of a settled man. Make that an unsettled man…

I drove downtown, but that’s been dead forever, killed by a city council that would not yield to reality: Huge parcels of unincorporated land just outside of town. And so I drove that new ‘downtown,’ too – immense power centers surrounded by vast rolling parking lots.

There used to be a city here, a thriving one. Now there’s a rotting core surrounded by wood-framed tract homes loosely connected by commercial corridors – just like every other big-little-shithole in the midwest.

And there’s everything else in Hades, too, of course, everything nobody ever wants to talk about. The out of control corpulence I decry in Phoenix got its start here, one corn chip, one can of carbonated corn syrup at a time. Alcoholism is the scourge I remember growing up, but that seems like a kiddie vice, by now, in a town littered with discarded syringes. There’s an Indian casino, of course. It’s called “Chief Illini’s Vengeance.” And everywhere there are people who are going nowhere – and they know it. Some of ’em can’t wait to get there.

You live for what you live for, and no one can tell you what that should be, and no one can even really understand what it means to you, except in whatever clumsy way you can describe it. But in Hades, everything a man might live for is taken away and broken – not just destroyed but desecrated, deliberately stripped of everything that (more…)

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Can you please tell the Koch Brothers why I’m right about messaging strategy?

First we take Bel Air. Then we take Beijing.Photo by: Vinnie C

Talk about a valley of the shadow of death: How’d you like to be publicly known as an advocate of individualism, political liberty and free markets in Hollywood? Now that is a hostile work environment!

I’m amazed by these people – James Woods, Vince Vaughn, Patricia Heaton, Kelsey Grammer, Stacey Dash, Adam Baldwin, Nick Searcy, Drew Carey, Kevin Sorbo. The list goes on – but not for long. Talent? In abundance. Drive? You get nowhere without it. But the courage to take public positions that can make job offers dry up over night? That takes guts – more than we have any right to expect these days.

But here’s something else to be found among Hollywood’s few courageous champions of libertarian/conservative values: An appreciation for the power of story to change minds, change attitudes, change habits – change lives.

Just think what those folks could do with the right kind of money behind them.

That’s why I want for them (and you!) to tell the Koch Brothers and any other liberty-seeking philanthropists why my ideas on messaging are so much better than the wheel-spinning, deckchair-swapping, money-wasting exercises they’re involved in now.

To make things as easy as I can, simply passing along the link to this post will invite our nation’s benevolent billionaires (and everyone else) to consider these notions:

The pontificate, hector and mock model of anti-Marxist rhetoric could not be less effective: It repels more people than it recruits, even as we put every child under the patient tutelage of de facto Marxists until those kids are old enough to read the stodgy non-fiction we think should make all the difference – assuming they ever learn to read at all.

The bad news: The habits and attitudes (more…)

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For Thanksgiving, an elegy of hope: “Loving is a gerundive, Dusty, and her name is Amanda.”

Uncle Willie wrote his very first Thanksgiving story this year, but it’s much too long to be a blog post. Here’s an extract:

From Dusty: An elegy of hope and love.

“What now?”

A Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Willie story

Thursday, November 23, 2017 – Thanksgiving Day

[omitting 7,500 words]

If we live our lives in quarters, like a basketball game, around twenty years to a quarter, I spent the first quarter of my time alive quarrying solitude, the second reveling in it and the third recovering from it – my life with Adora and Naso and Dusty and Megwyn and all the family and pets they brought with them.

And the fourth quarter? You could tell me that I’m driving the shopping mall choo choo train every day – every single day – to fulfill needs I never knew I had. My thinking is that the train wants to fishtail when it’s too empty, so I like to fill it up with kids.

I’m not being coy. I hate it that dogs and people keep dying on me. But I love it when puppies and babies come yipping, come squalling. A man without children can have no grandchildren, and yet I have five thousand of them – every once in a while, on the train. And for at least a thousand of those kids, I am all the grandfather they’re getting – and maybe all the father, too.

Your family is who you say it is. If you don’t believe me, ask your dog. Naso made me her family, and we made Megwyn our family. Naso brought me Adora, too, and she brought Tegan, her I-don’t-know-how-to-reckon-it-niece who has always been a good friend to me. She figures in two Christmas stories I’ve never written, so you know, along with other adventures in haughty scholarship and petty crimes.

And she came by today with a young man she won’t quite call her boyfriend but who had Thanksgiving dinner at her house, with her family. They brought me a plate, which was beyond gracious, so don’t tell ’em I gave most of the turkey to Dusty after they left.

And there (more…)

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How to fight with your relatives over the Thanksgiving Dinner table.

I’ve thought for years about writing a Thanksgiving story — a feast-become-food-fight of ideas over the dinner table — but I’ve never done it. Too much too close for comfort perhaps. Meanwhile, I will give you something to be thankful for, this Thanksgiving and every day, that no one else is likely to mention:

Be grateful for your own fundamental solitude.

You are in this all alone. You were born alone and you will die alone, and the truth of the uniquely human life is that you spend every moment of your life alone. You share what you can with those you love, but when you keep your own counsel, you do it all alone. When you assert your truth in defiance of the mob, you do it all alone. When you bite your tongue to keep the peace, you do it all alone.

Your self — your self-abstracted idea of your life — is the cardinal value of your life, the one that endures as all other values come and go. You are sovereign and indomitable, the sole champion of your triumphs and the sole author of your errors.

You can’t fix your relatives. Alike unto you, they are sovereign and indomitable. I like to say that we get to be who we are, but the truth of the matter is still more stark: Each one of us is going to be who he or she is, no matter what.

You can try to persuade other people of the truth of your ideas, but this is a slow process, one fraught with frequent failures. The only immediate change you can make to other people is to change them from alive to dead — a lesson our statist overlords never tire of teaching us. That unhappy fact suggests a simple strategy for post-prandial political debates — and for casual conflicts of all types: If it’s not something you would fight about to the death, it’s probably not worth fighting about at all.

My attitude always: Cultivate indifference. I will not make the world more beautiful by making my own soul ugly. If I don’t care for the (more…)

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“I’ll tell you how fiction works, but first let me tell you how I found it out.”

Cathleen got a library card, and I got one, too, this so we can each besmirch our own reputations.

To celebrate my first library card in years, I checked out a book called “How Fiction Works” by James Wood.

Accordingly, I now know how fiction works:

Fiction works by befuddling literary critics.

Given the progress of progressive education through the bowels of our culture, fiction promises to work ever-better every day.

You think I’m joking, but I’m not. In epiphany #98, on page 181, the poet Philip Larkin uses an adverb so vague and so clumsy – and so obviously false to purported fact – that not a single writing student can guess it. If that ain’t a muse-ridden mystery, nothing is.

Wood is the kind of booky gnome who thinks fiction works because booky gnomes are afraid of reality, and so, convince themselves that it’s much more important to waste vast tracts of time gravely studying stupidly verbosely unreadably ‘fictionalized’ regurgitations of the unseemly habits of the ‘author’ and his ‘friends.’ The stylized diaries of the mentally ill get the highest praise of all.

I’d go on, but why? I’ve thought forever that libraries are just the branch offices of the publishing industry’s rent-seeking sinecures, and “How Fiction Works” argues that James Wood could probably do better at almost any other job, were Big Mother’s magic teats to dry up. It’s a fun read, despite everything. It’s a shame the man has nothing to write about.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Peoria, Arizona, a taxpayer is going hungry so James Wood can usurp his wages, devouring the physical wealth that he might rededicate himself to destroying the West’s intellectual capital.

Here’s good news, though: “How Fiction Works” can be tough-sledding, and it assumes a deep knowledge of Western lit going back to the Greeks, so relatively few people now alive can read it to any profit. Of those few, fewer still actually will read it – even if they purchase it. And of the few who do, certainly all of them will be like me: Wise to James Wood and his ilk. So as harmful as this book could be, it (more…)

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All I want for my birthday is undying impact. Will you get it for me, please?

Give the Gift of Willie: For less than a buck, you can give someone you love a glimpse of a better way to dance.

I have so much to talk about, and no one at all to talk to. I wear poor Cathleen out with words, so many are there, so playfully are they misdirected. But she is lucky enough to be able to bear up to me. Too much of what I want to talk about no one but she will endure. This is what comes of trafficking in secret torments.

Funny to me, regardless: A favorite gag of my writing life is the idea of humor-for-one – jokes I hide in prose that only I can get. The prose works for everyone, but the joke is there only for me. I do this for Cathleen, too, write jokes that only she and I can get. I’ll do it with other people, too, from time to time; sometimes they get it, sometimes not. But what’s funniest about humor-for-one is that I mostly write for my own ears alone, anyway. It’s all humor-for-one.

You might think I hate that, but I don’t. What I would hate would be to write something that is enthralling to anyone – or to everyone – but me. It’s plausible to me that this is why I hate almost everything I (start to (try to)) read: Because the author hates it, too, already, long before I got around to hating it.

Whatever. Each man to his own saints, but me, certainly, to mine. I’m rebuilding everything from the inside out, and that’s what I’m doing with fiction, too. I’m at war with narrative art as it’s been done since Cervantes, and with the drama since Aeschylus and before. That might as well be humor-for-one, too, as much as anyone else knows or cares.

Oh, well. My goal is not fame or fortune, but change. And the changes I’m setting in motion now, few and frail, won’t bear their fullest fruit for twenty more years. And the impact of my writing, if any, won’t start to show up (more…)

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Which first lady would you trust to drive a tent stake into Vladimir Putin’s skull?

Of all the first ladies of my lifetime, I like Melania Trump best – elegant dignified silence.

And of all of the women in public life right now, she’s the one who seems most to embody Yael, too, the wife of all wives.

She’s Trump’s best recommendation.

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Fresh Willie: Bedtime stories for your inner child from The Mall of Misfit Families.

Hope is family. Family is hope.That’s why trains go in circles.

Brother Willie has been writing choo-choo train stories for two years now. The first collection of them publishes today. It’s called “Traindancing: Bedtime stories for your inner child from The Mall of Misfit Families.” You can buy it right now – or give it as a gift – at Amazon.com.

Here’s my elevator pitch for the book:

Hope is family. If you’re looking for a conservative art, figure out first what it is you want to conserve. “Traindancing” is my answer. For a buck, you can learn or share some important news: Family is hope.

If you’ve followed my maundering on art over the past four years, this book is a trail-marker on my journey:

I am building #MyKindOfBenedy stories, of course, but I’m also deploying the Willie story as a battering ram on settled forms of narrative art.

Translation: I’m making war on the novel, both for its time-wasting verbosity and for its veiled pornography. The stories I want to write should give you a ninety-minute film’s worth or an eight-hour novel’s worth of redemption in one to ten thousand words – six to sixty minutes to read.

The important word in that paragraph is redemption, but we’ll come back to that another day.

For now, savor the wonder that is the mind of Loco Willie:

Everything I’m seeing is making me, more and more, into a loco engineer – a guy just crazy enough to think he can change things. I started out just smiling and waving. But smiling and waving at everyone won me small friendships with the Regulars – with the mall-walkers and the Blue Bellies and the Yellow Jackets. In time I wore down most of the Grotesques – simply by refusing to see them as being grotesque. The Specials are all mine because almost nobody else wants them, and to the unwitting children I am The Pied Piper of Arrowhead – the second time for keeps.

I see the normal in the Grotesques and the grotesque in the Normals – I see it all, over and over again. I see (more…)

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#ThriversEd: Because anyone can be a Dutch Uncle, people are kids, too.

I’m with the Jesuits: There is no answer better than another question, and children never tire of well-aimed inquiries.Photo by: Bev Sykes

The world we live in is not just underfathered – it’s underchildered, too.

Much of what I have to say about children is obvious to anyone who is or has been a parent or to any sibling. But only-kids have no siblings, and childless only-kids may have gotten to really know as few as zero other kids in their lives.

By now, kids are so far from being common in our lives that even people who have led well-childered lives can see other people’s kids as aliens – either as an indulged species of vermin or as look-but-don’t-touch museum exhibits.

Here’s a clue, known to every child but seemingly to few adults: Kids are people. Not people, too – just people. An all-the-way-self-aware child is no less human than you, just less-experienced. The way to approach him is the way you would approach any stranger, as an unopened book with a unique perspective – someone to be engaged with and enjoyed, not dominated or palliated or indulged or neglected.

I have a friend who is about to embark on a ThriversEd adventure, and this is the threshold of all of ThriversEd: Authority, little may there be, is consensual. ThriversEd games are led by a Dutch Uncle, a temporary volunteer anointed by mutual assent, and, in theory, only the grown-up knows that he is the emergency fall-back Cincinnatus of Dutch Uncles – the de facto authority.

So, obviously, you are not yielding your adulthood, you are simply setting aside the manifestations of grownupness that distance you from children. Want a quick attitude adjustment? Shuck your shoes and sit cross-legged on the floor. In two seconds flat, you look a whole lot more like a kid to kids.

If I were advising you on how to play with your dog, all of this would be obvious: You have zero “adult” expectations of your dog, so you are sane enough to play with him his way, not yours. The objective of education is to lead (more…)

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Deconstructing Madelyn Nguyen: The art we need is the art of of redemption.

The art we need is not violence disguised as valor, not vengeance masked as purity. The art we need is the art of goodness, the art of redemption. Poetry is leadership, but it ought to be leading you someplace you truly should go, don’t you think?

I ran across that image yesterday on Twitter and objected to it immediately:

Strife doubled is halved? Violence, retribution, vengeance, comeuppance – those are the values evil prizes. The art of goodness is goodness.

Twitter is an airline carry-on bag of text, but that serves to focus the mind. That is the argument I’ve been making about art for more than four years now:

The art of redemption makes people better – and its contraries make them worse.

If the goal of art is to make people better, we’re making the wrong art.

The art-making business is going down in flames right now, so maybe some fire-sale buyers would like to learn how to do something different. I have lots of ideas.

Meanwhile, I promised Cathleen that I would document my abstract goals in writing “Why Madelyn Nguyen’s always gonna win.” Typically, this is English class stuff, and there it’s usually conjectural. This is straight from the horse’s mouth.

Doing this is contrary to my interests, so you know. The only way to last as a writer is to get “petrified poindexters” to conjecture about your work, and the only way to make that happen is to be as opaque and mysterious as possible. (E.g., Zimmerman, Robert.)

I don’t know if other people actually even have abstract goals in their writing. It could be they’re just writing about people they dream up – or simply ‘fictionalizing’ real people – and the academics are quibbling over abstract intentions that were never there at all. But I definitely have work I intend to do, when I sit down to work.

Willie stories are fables, and the Traindancing world is a fabulous fablegrounds: Willie can be involved in anything that can happen at the mall, and he can show you just as much of it as he wants you to see.

This story is an extended metaphor (more…)

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You’re like who? Who’s like you? Who in the world actually agrees with you?

My friend James Pruitt fingered this news photo, source unknown to me, and this is my subsequent crop of the image – cropping to the action that matters to me.

You see the Rockwell right away, of course, and the genius of Rockwell was that he was able to capture this instant in oils, not instantaneous picture-perfect pixels.

But what matters to me is the undeniable verisimilitude of photography: Nothing but the framing and the instant of exposure was selected by the artist (with me peeing on the tree with my crop). The rest is pure humanity captured in a slice of time.

This is the literal moment of truth – the instant when everyone is so passionately involved in what is happening right now that no one can contrive to lie. Just that much is worthy of study: This is what people look like when they are not hiding.

But there are three-dozen or so identifiable souls in that photo – all but two, colorably, men – and each one of those individuals is… an individual.

Each person’s location with respect to the ball is different, so their reactions are necessarily different. But each person’s place in the orbit of life is different, too, as is each one’s evaluation of risks and rewards in that moment. Each one of these folks was and will be having a different day, week, year, life from all the others – as witnessed by the teen boy straight up from the middle who cannot punish his (absent?) father enough.

Here’s a Netflix challenge: Each one of those people leaves the ballpark after that one second of shared communion. What happens next? If there are three-dozen people there are thirty-six stories, and each one is different from all the others.

Each one of those people is unique and separate and, in every way that matters, nothing like any of the others. Not even the fathers and sons – not even the ones who still like each other.

To the extent that they share common expectations, they can share common spaces and get along with each other – as here. The more rigid the (more…)

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