
Bill Clinton looked at Garrison Keillor. “What are you doing here, farmboy? The last time you had a dirty thought, you wrote a book about it. Matt Lauer’s trying to get back at the jocks in his high school – and Harvey at the cheerleaders in his, right? You guys aren’t predators. You’re just parasites.”Illustration by: DonkeyHotey
December 19, 2017
“Fuckin’ Bill Cosby,” Harvey Weinstein said. He said it in my dream, to be fair. But if you can’t trust your dream, you’re having a nightmare – and therefore it’s good odds you’re awake, anyway.
Matt Lauer agreed, in any case: “Fuckin’ Bill Cosby.”
“Well that hardly seems fair.” Garrison Keillor said that, and if you think he’s just here for comic relief – he’s not laughing.
“No,” said Charlie Rose, doing his best to fit in, a practice he may well master in the next five or six hundred years. “They’re right. This all started with him. Fucking. Bill. Cosby.”
“What do you know anyway, Keillor?” Weinstein demanded. “What the hell are you even in here for? You accidentally touched a fat cow’s blubber and didn’t wash your hands afterward?”
Keillor said nothing. The man was born into retirement.
“What kind of name is Garrison, anyway? Is your brother named Stockade? Your sister’s called Embargo? Did your dad think he could make a man of you by giving you a manly name?”
Still nothing. Start wilted, stay wilted.
“And what about you, Charlie Rose? Did you think prancing around like a homo in front of women means you’re not a fag?”
“Now that’s just not fair. No one has ever called my sexuality into question.”
Matt Lauer did nothing to hide his snort.
“Oh, shut up, pusswad. You’re not a predator. You’re a congenital fratboy on too long of a leash.”
And believe it or not, this was my show. In the dream, that is. For some reason, I was leading a therapy group at The Sex Addiction Clinic of Misfit Celebrities in breathtaking Scottsdale, Arizona. The name was right there on the wall, along with the clinic’s slogan: “You kissed. She told. Now what?”
My task, (more…)







Cathleen got a library card, and I got one, too, this so we can each besmirch our own reputations.



















