Just in case you didn’t know: I like vigorously dominant sex with a smokin’ hot blonde.

That would be my wife, of course. I think every form of extra-marital sex is enduringly self-destructive. I have nothing to do with any of it, and my advice to everyone is to hew to my good example. I do like pornography, though, as I’ve discussed in print and on video.

Why am I telling you this? So you’ll know.

I got an internet shake-down letter yesterday from someone who has apparently bought some hacked passwords. My pasty-faced blackmailer threatens to expose me to my contacts list – today – with a webcam-captured video of me watching porn unless I pay him $2,900 in Bitcoin.

Wow…

In the third place, I find the threat hugely implausible. The password referenced is an antique, not that I’m terribly good at that stuff. My current password solution is to register for nothing – not because I fear exposure but because I hate having to memorize login credentials. In any event, my webcam has been taped over since long before Ed Snowden made that a fad, so my half of the movie is likely to be pretty boring. I can’t guess what the porn half might be, but I’ll look at pretty much anything, so that much might be edifying.

In the second place, I don’t care. I think internet privacy is a bad joke, and I’ve been saying that in public for more than ten years. Most of what people dread having exposed is universal and ubiquitous. Can it come as a revelation that I, too, move my bowels periodically? Big frolicking deal. If it comes as news that I masturbate when my smokin’ hot blonde of a wife is unable to come hither for me, you are now in possession of a banality of no cash value.

But in the first place, my attitude toward every attempt to dominate me is: Molon labe, mofo. I am indomitable. I have been for my entire life, but I’ve spent my adult life proving – as philosophy – why indomitability is the only way to pursue self-adoration. I don’t have $2,900 – or $29 – to waste, but I would not pay twenty-nine cents to a blackmailer. If he wants to come by the house, me and Hillerich and Bradsby will share some wealth with him, but 34” is about as far as my generosity extends.

My expectation is that this is all bullshit, a lame email script and a long list of pilfered passwords – from Yahoo, very probably – but who knows? If you get half a movie attributed to me in your email, take note that much better porn is just a few clicks away. And if you are foolish enough to capitulate to extortionists, my bet is you’ll get sold into a much more lucrative list of suckers.

Caveat lector. You can’t be pushed around without your own freely self-initiated consent. Withhold just that much – and you’re free.