Meet Chunkybutt Barbie. If you think she’s fat now, watch how she blows up when you put a ring on her.
What could be more compassionate that to aim squarely for the middle? Nothing inspires indolence like the celebration of mediocrity, and no one sets a better example for impressionable children than the impresionable children who spawn them.
Accordingly, I’ve prepared a list of other anti-ideals to enshrine in semi-movable inaction figures. My sad and solemn promise: All examples are drawn from real life.
- Manatee Barbie. If fat is beautiful, she’s the queen of the mall! She comes with her own power-chair. Insulin drip optional.
- Bulimarexia Barbie. Because lunch is always prettier the second time you see it. Comes with infinite reupchuckable food supply.
- Yoga Pants Barbie. Guarantee: Zero anatomical secrets concealed.
- Manatee Ken. Guarantee: Even in the tightest of fleece fashions, not a single anatomical detail is revealed.
- Slugly Futt Barbie. She somehow manages to squeeze into any of Classic Barbie’s outfits – but Classic Barbie will never wear them again.
- Infinidistant Ken. Even though he never looks up from his smart phone, he still manages to impregnate Manatee Barbie.
- Backwards Ballcap Ken. World’s greatest dad? Not so much. Even so, he’s always passionately committed to nothing.
- O.G. Pretend Ken. Slight, white and not too bright, he has one word for the world: “Word!”
- O.G. For Realz Ken. Available with optional offspring – who will be raised by Barbie’s mom.
- Hispanafrasian Barbie. Is she black? Hispanic? Asian? Muslim? There’s a new don’t-ask-don’t-tell in town!
- Frustrated Rock Star Ken. Because somebody’s gotta wear the black top-hat around here!
- Transsexual Ken. He puts the ‘out’ in pout – and makes Slugly Futt Barbie feel so pretty!
- Gnomerod Ken. Is he a nimrod? Or is he a gnome? Pudgy and hairless, he comes complete with five identical sweatsuits.
- Lumbersexual Ken. Changes his beard and hairstyle once a week. Changes his own oil never.
- Carousel Barbie. Sleeps with almost anyone. Except Ken.
- Abaya Barbie. Is there hair under there? And does anyone really care?
- Burka Barbie. She could be a Ken doll, for all you know. Limit 4 per customer.
- Bikergirl Barbie. Looks almost as good as she smells!
- Friendzone Ken. Barbie won’t date him, but she dines on his dime until she hits the wall. Then she marries him, has his kids, divorces him and dines on his dime for life.
- Freebird Ken. Actively schemes to dump Barbie – if Barbie would ever date him.
- Toomuch Barbie. What will you notice first, the bulbous breast implants, the bodacious bootie baggage – or the raging conflagration of Raspberry-Tangerine hair?
- Gray-Is-The-New-Blonde Barbie. She does everything you wouldn’t, starting with her silky silvered tresses.
- Affected-Asperger Ken. He had a feeling once. He thinks. Available with optional facial expressions.
- Manbun Ken. Comes with two mouths, one ear – and zero testicles.
- Defiant Dyke Barbie. Squat and snotty, she makes even Transsexual Ken feel pretty.
- Crossfit™ Barbie. She might be a crank, but she’s built like a tank.
- Peekycheeks Barbie. By taking “Daisy Dukes” to a whole new level, she takes all the sport out of short-shorts.
- Trampstamp Barbie. Even when her clothes don’t disclose it, her nose-ring still shows it.
- Where’s Waldo™ Ken. What’s the point of having a stocking cap if you can’t wear it everywhere?
- Stretched-Earlobes Ken. Now Barbie has two more great places to hang her dry-cleaning!
- Forever 21™ Barbie. Guaranteed never to look a day over 63.
- Technicolor Tattoo Barbie. Because children should never have to wonder if their mom is a slut.
- Technicolor Tattoo Ken. Because children should never have to wonder if their dad is a moron.
Here’s the thing about ideals: You’re likely to miss the bullseye, no matter where you set the target. If you aim low, you’ll miss even lower. How low can we go? Six feet down is the limit – and Chunkybutt Barbie is leading the funeral parade…
