Now you could tell her all that, and – who knows? – you just might get lucky.
Or you could bake her a cake, instead:
CHOCOLATE CHIP UPSIDE DOWN CAKE
(A Guyfood recipe, with everything in parentheses being irrelvant.)
(Guyfood is the bachelor style of cooking guys bring to their marriages. It consists either of routinized glorified dog food – frequently ‘prepared’ in the oven or microwave – OR of improvisational excellence – where excellence is defined as the perfect meal or perfect garbage.)
Step 1. Mix up a cake-mix cake.
(White, Yellow or Chocolate/DevilsFood – not Spice or Carrot or GuiltRiddenKaleCake. Follow the directions on the box. You can swap in applesauce and separated eggs, if you insist, but don’t get cute: It’s a cake. It consists of sugar and white flour. It’s never going to be health food.)
Step 2. Pour the batter into a sheet cake pan.
(A cake is a cake – and baking layers won’t get you more laid. Cupcakes offer a titrated dose of incipient permafat, but that seems like a lot of extra work to me. My take is that a Guyfood cookie is one giant sheet of a cookie that you divvy up with a pizza cutter.)
Step 3. Sprinkle evenly with one cup of miniature dark-chocolate chips.
(Buy the best and darkest chocolate you can afford. “Ghirardelli” is an Italian word that means “Now, baby.” You want the teeny-tiny ones, the size of a BB, not a bean. And you want to sprinkle them evenly because they’re headed straight down to the bottom from where you put them. Chocolate chips will stay put and melt in place in brownie or cookie dough – accordingly, always use a lot – but cake batter is too wet for that kind of work.)
Step 4. Bake and cool as normal.
(If you rush the cooling part – and, hey, it’s Guyfood – your sticky fingers will tell on you.)
Step 5. Cut and serve – upside down.
(The sunken, melted and now baked-in chocolate chips are your frosting, and you can brag to the missus about how this is so much less permafattening than ordinary frosting – which is nothing but sugar. Meanwhile, it’s Guyfood wonderfood with her favorite aphrodisiac on top.)
Step 6. Collect your bounty.
(Dude. It looks like more work than it is – that’s how you know it’s Guyfood – but you made something more than baked dog food in pursuit of a reward. Go claim it.)
(Got kids? Then you get Guyfood, guaranteed. Tell ’em it’s dead-bug cake. They’ll eat it.)